Zygmunt and Chilly In: "So Far, So…Not Good"

Zygmunt calls his head coach Chilly into his office to discuss the team’s season so far…

Chilly: Hello Zygmunt.

Zygmunt: Hello Chilly. Take a seat there…

Chilly: Okay. (sits) Wow…are these real leather?

Zygmunt: Uh, yes Chilly, they are…

Chilly: These are real nice…

Zygmunt: I had them shipped in from Armenia or some place like that. I forget…

Chilly: Armenia. I went there on vacation once…

Zygmunt: Oh did you…

Chilly: Yeah. There were all sorts of cactuses and Indians weaving blankets…

Zygmunt: In Armenia…

Chilly: Yup. And there was this great big hole in the ground that we rode a donkey down into…

Zygmunt: Uh…I think that was Arizona Chilly.

Chilly: Oh? Arizona?

Zygmunt: Yes. You know, where the Cardinals play.

Chilly: Ha. Now you’re pulling my leg. Everyone knows the Cardinals are in Rome.

Zygmunt: Right. Well, I’m not here to argue with you Chilly…

Chilly: That’s good…

Zygmunt: No, I called you here to talk about the team…

Chilly: Okay.

Zygmunut: I want to talk about the fact that we’ve only won 2 games this year…

Chilly: Right…

Zygmunt: That’s 2 games out of 6 Chilly. Where I come from that’s not a very good ratio…

Chilly: Well, where I come from we don’t even have ratios…

Zygmunt: No? No ratios?

Chilly: No sir. Just record players.

Zygmunt: Uh-huh. Record players…

Chilly: Yup…

Zygmunt: Chilly.

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to change the subject?

Chilly: Am I trying to change the subject?

Zygmunt: Well, Chilly. You tell me? Do you want to talk about the team or not?

Chilly: Whose team? Our team?

Zygmunt: Yes Chilly. Our team…

Chilly: All right then. Let’s talk about our team.

Zygmunt: Fine Chilly. Now, first of all, I want to talk about our quarterback.

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt.

Zygmunt: Our quarterback T-Jack. The guy you drafted.

Chilly: Yes sir. Fine young man. Good essay in the huddle.

Zygmunt: Yes Chilly, I know all about the essay in the huddle…

Chilly: Strong right arm on the lad. Left one ain’t so bad either…

Zygmunt: I have no doubt he has a strong arm Chilly. But that’s not what I’m worried about.

Chilly: No?

Zygmunt: No. Right now I’m worried about his accuracy.

Chilly: Oh, that.

Zygmunt: Yes, that…

Chilly: We’ll get that straightened out Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: Oh you will…

Chilly: Absolutely. We’ll have that kid throwing them through hoops before you know it.

Zygmunt: We will.

Chilly: Yes sir. He’ll be knocking teacups off the heads of fleas by the time we’re done with him…

Zygmunt: Teacups off the heads of fleas…

Chilly: Yes sir.

Zygmunt: And when is this miracle going to take place Chilly?

Chilly: Oh, I don’t know. When’s a good time for you?

Zygmunt: How about now?

Chilly: Now?

Zygmunt: Now would be good.

Chilly: Jeez Zygmunt, I don’t know. Now’s a bit soon. I was hoping I’d at least have till later.

Zygmunt: Later eh? How much later Chilly?

Chilly: Oh, I don’t know. A bit later?

Zygmunt: A bit later. (pause) Chilly…

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt.

Zygmunt: Do you like being the coach of my football team?

Chilly: Oh I like it great.

Zygmunt: Oh you do…

Chilly: Yes sir. It’s a fine way to make a living.

Zygmunt: It is. Well, what do you like best about it?

Chilly: Oh, I don’t know. A lot of things.

Zygmunt: Like what for instance?

Chilly: Oh, like for instance, the nice clean towels in the locker room.

Zygmunt: You like the towels eh?

Chilly: They’re always really fluffy and soft.

Zygmunt: Uh-huh. And that’s the main thing for you…

Chilly: Yes, I’d say so. Oh, and I’ve got a really nice paperweight in my office.

Zygmunt: Oh you do.

Chilly: Uh-huh. It’s shaped just like a dog turd.

Zygmunt: A dog turd.

Chilly: Yup. They told me Mike Tice left it here when he got fired, and they asked me if I wanted them to throw it away, and I said “No sir, leave that fine turd-shaped paperweight right there where it is. I’m gonna get some paper right now and put that paperweight on top of it. And if a wind blows through here it ain’t gonna move a single sheet of that paper…”

Zygmunt: Um, Chilly…

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt?

Zygmunt: There’s something else I’d like to talk to you about.

Chilly: Yes?

Zygmunt: Yeah. This kid Peterson…

Chilly: Oh, fine young man.

Zygmunt: Oh yes I know. He’s a top-notch young fellow for sure…

Chilly: Terrific wheels on him.

Zygmunt: Absolutely.

Chilly: We’re bringing him along nice and slow though.

Zygmunt: Yes I noticed that…

Chilly: You can’t be too careful with these young guys…

Zygmunt: No I agree with you…

Chilly: Don’t want to put them out there when they’re not ready…

Zygmunt: I couldn’t agree with you more Chilly. Except, um, Chilly?

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt?

Zygmunt: Well, it just seems a bit odd to me…

Chilly: Yes?

Zygmunt: You talk about not putting a young guy like Peterson in there when he’s not ready…

Chilly: Yes?

Zygmunt: And then you turn around and put the Jackson kid in the game even though he obviously doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Chilly: Well, Zygmunt, I don’t know if that’s fair…

Zygmunt: You don’t think it’s fair.

Chilly: No sir.

Zygmunt: But you do admit that you left yourself in a pickle by not getting a veteran guy in the off-season…

Chilly: Well, Zygmunt, it’s like this…

Zygmunt: Yes Chilly…

Chilly: Sometimes you just gotta go to war with what you have.

Zygmunt: Uh-huh…

Chilly: I mean we’d all love to have Sonny Jurgensen out there…

Zygmunt: Oh sure…

Chilly: But I’m afraid they ain’t making too many Sonny Jurgensens…

Zygmunt: No…

Chilly: And they ain’t making too many Bobby Laynes either…

Zygmunt: Indeed…

Chilly: And the last I looked there was only one Y.A. Tittle…

Zygmunt: Quite right…

Chilly: So I don’t know what to say Zygmunt. Except…you wouldn’t happen to have a clone of Y.A. Tittle hidden around here someplace?

Zygmunt: Um, no Chilly…

Chilly: Cause if you did…gosh, that would be great…

Zygmunt: Sorry Chilly. I don’t…

Chilly: Well, do you at least have one of Archie Manning?

Zygmunt: Um, no Chilly. I’m sorry. I don’t have any clones.

Chilly: No?

Zygmunt: No. Not even Jim Plunkett. Not even Steve Bartkowski.

Chilly: Dang. I could use one of those…

Zygmunt: Yes you could Chilly…

Chilly: I’d even settle for Steve DeBerg…

Zygmunt: We all would Chilly. But Steve DeBerg is older than dirt.

Chilly: Last I saw him he was still looking pretty spry…

Zygmunt: Well spry won’t cut it Chilly. I need somebody young and dynamic who can run this offense…

Chilly: I see Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: Someone who can hit a simple slant and who doesn’t leap gayly in the air for no reason whatsoever.

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: Someone who has a chance of amassing a quarterback rating higher than his shoe-size…

Chilly: I read you Zygmunt. Loud-and-clear…

Zygmunt: Well I’m glad. Cause I’d hate like hell to have to fire you Chilly…

Chilly: Well, Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: I mean it Chilly. I like you. I like you a lot. Not as much as I like pistachio pudding, but a lot…

Chilly: Gee, that’s great to hear Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: Here’s the only problem Chilly. Even though I like pistachio pudding, if it started giving me indigestion, I would have to stop eating pistachio pudding. Do you know what I mean?

Chilly: Yes sir…

Zygmunt: Do you understand exactly where I’m coming from?

Chilly: I do Zygmunt. 100%.

Zygmunt: Good. Now then…

Chilly: Um, but Zygmunt.

Zygmunt: What Chilly?

Chilly: I was just thinking. If the pistachio pudding’s giving you stomach troubles, you might consider some bicarbonate of soda. That fixes me right up…

Zygmunt: Chilly.

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt?

Zygmunt: Get the hell out of my office.

Chilly: Yes Zygmunt. Goodbye Zygmunt…

Zygmunt: Goodbye Chilly…

(exit Chilly)

Zygmunt: My Lord in heaven what have I done? (picks up phone) Get Marty Schottenheimer on the line. Now!