Dear Chicago Bears,
Hey there Bears. It’s me, your old QB Jim McMahon. You remember me, right? Of course you do. I led you to your one and only Super Bowl win. I would’ve led you to two, but that [expletive deleted] Charles Martin cheap-shotted me and…well, no use rehashing that unpleasantness, is there? It’s all in the past, and I’m not here to talk about the past.
No Bear buddies, I want to talk about the present. Specifically, I want to talk about your quarterback situation. You know, quarterback. The guy who stands behind the center, receives the snap and then sometimes attempts to gain yardage for his team by completing a forward pass? You’ve heard of this “forward pass” thing, right? I believe Knute Rockne started doing it sometime during the late medieval period.
All right, I’m kidding you guys. I know you know what the forward pass is. It’s just, sometimes, it seems like you have trouble with the whole concept. I watch your games and…
Okay, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t watch your games. I haven’t watched one of your games since the last time I was actually on the sideline for one. And even then, I have to be honest, I wasn’t really paying that close attention. I had better things to do, like scope out the stands for hot chicks. And write things on my headbands so I could show them to the cameras and get fined by Pete Rozelle. Gosh, those were the days…
Yeah. But I’m not here to talk about that old stuff. Like I was saying before, I want to help the Bears now. And yeah, I admit, I haven’t really been watching, but I know people who have been watching, and they told me what a giant almighty mess you guys are right now, especially at QB. And that makes me sad. Because, in spite of how much I hated and despised Ditka, those days with the Bears were the best days of my life, and I will always love the franchise.
By the way, what the heck is going on with Ditka lately? Grabbing his crotch in the booth? Setting up a charity to help old players then spending most of the money luring guys to golf tournaments? He was always a richard, but I don’t remember him being flat-out evil.
Okay, back to the point…the Bears’ QB spot. Now, as I understand it, for a lot of the season you had this kid Grossman playing, who throws the ball to the other team’s guys as often as he throws it to his own. And then, I also heard that you had Bob Griese playing, which kinda surprised me because I thought he was dead. But now neither of those guys is playing, and you’ve got some fellow named Kyle Orton in there. This Orton kid, people tell me, is not exactly, well, me…either in terms of performance or personality. In fact, this guy is not even Jim Harbaugh or Mike Tomczak. Well what gives? You’ve pretty much sucked every year since you got rid of my ass, which means you had to have plenty of high draft picks, and this is the best you’ve been able to do? Some dude who can’t even hold Harbaugh’s jock?
It’s pretty obvious to me, Bear buddies, that your whole organization is a mess. And yeah, I know, you made it to the Super Bowl again last year. Well that’s great for you. However, it’s my understanding that this Super Bowl appearance had more to do with luck than anything. Like, luck that there were no other good teams in the conference. And luck that your return man, this Hester kid I’ve heard so much about, bailed you out on several occasions. But now your luck has run out, which shows you that, in the long-run, you can’t count on good-fortune. You have to have people who can play, like me, and Payton and Singletary and Dent and Hampton and McMichael and the rest of us. We were bad-asses. We could play football and we could rap, and some of us were damn pretty (not McMichael obviously, but Walter for sure; plus Walter had that Michael Jackson-voice thing going on which chicks thought was way sexy then). But now, basically all you guys have is this Hester doing his video game impersonation on kick-offs. You don’t even have a defense anymore cause half your guys are hurt and the other half now tackle like greased-up monkeys trying to grab hold of a jackrabbit. That’s a sorry state of affairs, Bear buddies.
But, thankfully, I don’t think it’s hopeless. I think there’s something that can be done to save you guys. Luckily for you, I know some people, and we’ve got just the thing you need. But, it’s sort of a top-secret thing, so you have to keep it under your hats. You can’t go blabbing it around and stuff. Okay? Here it is…
I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking, what the hell McMahon, you been smoking some stuff again? Actually, yes, but that’s beside the point. What matters is that I have this friend…I can’t use his real name so i’ll just call him Doc Brown. This guy the Doc, he’s invented something really cool. Basically it’s a car, a Delorean as a matter of fact (they still make those I guess). But this car ain’t like any car, cause check this out…when you get it up to 88 miles per hour, it gets all flashy and lightning shoots out and then, poof, you’re in another time. Forward or backward you can go. For your purposes I’d say backward would be good. Like, backward to 1985 – that was a good year. It was for me anyway. Really good.
So here’s the plan…you get in this car and drive back to 1985, and find me as I was then, and persuade me to come back to the present with you and help you win. Of course, to avoid suspicion, I’ll have to adopt another identity. Thankfully I’ve got that covered. I’ve already picked an alias for myself: Dirk Diggler. Cool huh? Dirk Diggler the lady-killer. He comes to the Bears out of nowhere, armed with a bunch of really awesome headbands, and leads them to the Super Bowl. Pretty great right?
Okay, so I’ll have to hook you up with my buddy Doc Brown. I can’t give out his address in this letter for obvious reasons, but if you meet up with me in person, I can slip it to you. So we’ll set up a meeting. There’s this one Hooters in Schaumburg – I’ll be at a table in the corner at 5:30 pm on the 22nd. Just look around for me. I’ll have on a pair of dark glasses and a raincoat. Wear a coat yourself and I’ll stick the address in your pocket. Then I’m gonna hang around and have some ribs, maybe try to find a new girlfriend.
Dang, I’m so glad I could help the team again. Playing for the Bears really was the best time of my life. There’s been nothing like it since. Let me tell you, you think a whole life of banging stewardesses and Hooters waitresses and chicks named Darlene who work for repo companies is a great life – and it is – but still, there’s nothing like playing quarterback in the NFL. That’s as good as it gets.