Everything Power Rankings, September 2

Sexy older lady running mates.  Lukewarm on Packer week.  Sick to death of Dallas fans…

1.  Sarah Palin.  I can’t decide if she’s sexy or not.  Yeah she’s cute and the glasses really work for me – but then there’s the whole Great White Huntress thing.  I have no objection to animal-killing per se, it’s just the combination of women and guns that worries me.  You know how moody women can be especially when they’re reaching menopause.  It might be cool and dangerous for awhile but I really don’t want to live a scene like in GoodFellas where Liotta wakes up and Lorraine Bracco’s pointing the gun in his face.

2.  Bristol Palin.  See?  This is what happens when you let the Jamie Lynn Spearses of the world run wild.  Let’s hope we can keep Miley Cyrus without child until she’s out of her teens, otherwise there will be total anarchy…in the toy aisle of Wal-Mart.

3.  Hurricane Gustav.  The storm already had kind of an inferiority complex, having such a gay name and everything, but then it turned out to be weaker than Katrina and all its friends were like “You totally got your ass kicked by a girl” and now the poor guy won’t even leave the house.

4.  Tropic Thunder.  Didn’t hate it.  Didn’t love it.  There’s some funny stuff but honestly, I was expecting this really scathing Hollywood satire, not Jungle Bowfinger.  Tom Cruise in a fat suit and bald cap swearing and trying to dance is not nearly as humorous as it sounds like it should be.

5.  Packer Week.  Gotta say it – not having Favre around has taken some of the fun out of the rivalry.  Maybe I’ll be able to get myself worked up, but right now it feels like just another game.

6.  Cowboy Fans.  I’m tired of them being all over this site.  Go drink some beer and slaughter a steer and then, I don’t know, find a Jessica Simpson look-alike to hit on.  Just make sure she’s female before you get her too drunk.

7.  McKinnie Suspended.  Bryant McKinnie will miss the first four games of the season for bashing the bouncer.  I’m still waiting for some expression of contrition from Mount.  I doubt we’ll be getting it.  He’s that kind of guy.  You know…it’s never him.

8.  Babylon, AD.  I wouldn’t see this if I was paid.  Okay, I know…I’m lying.  If someone gave me fifty bucks of course I’d see it.  Even though it stars Vin Diesel, the lamest bastard on the face of the earth.

9.  Last Blast of Summer.  Hotter than crap again.  What the hell?  Maybe global warming is real after all.  I’m gonna have to move to Eskimo country if this keeps up.

10. Wino Buddhism.  Amy Winehouse is now a Buddhist.  Buddha is waving his hands and saying, “No way.  Not touching that one.”