Don’t take down Crossfit, unless you want to take on Chris Kluwe. Some poor Gawker scribe learned that lesson the hard way last night. This internet hack posted a piece criticizing the brand-name workout regimen, and when Mr. Kluwe saw it he immediately put on his “outraged internet commenter” hat and went to work. Kluwe’s harangue, posted under the username “Loate,” is in typical Kluwe fashion both profane and hilarious. Kluwe answers the Gawker writer’s seven anti-Crossfit points with seven points of his own, and of these I think I like #3 the best. First, here’s what Mr. Gawker posted:
3. It is too expensive. A Crossfit gym is like a regular gym but purposely dirtier and with all the expensive exercise machines replaced by ropes and iron balls. (Which is great!) It is far cheaper to outfit a Crossfit gym than a stupid commercial gym. Those savings are… whatever the exact opposite of “passed on to the customer” is. The normal gym closest to my house costs $40 a month. The Crossfit gym closest to my house costs $250 just to do the “on ramp” classes to be allowed to pay an additional $250 per month to take all the Crossfit classes you want. This is one reason that Crossfit tends to attract an outsized proportion of INTENSE POWER YUPPIES. (Which is fine!) Crossfit is too expensive, the end.
Kluwe’s hysterical response:
3. Try not ordering the jumbo colon-blow size soda four times a week or hammering down $10 beers and watch the money roll in. Or f**k, I don’t know, consider it an investment against NOT developing diabetes and raging bedsores because you can’t lift your grotesquely overweight carcass from your bedside at 45 years old. Or just do the f**king workouts in a junglegym, half of them don’t require any equipment you turdsloth.
Turdsloth. Adding that one to the insult memory bank. Gotta remember it the next time someone attacks something I like. How dare you accuse Louis C.K. of being an overrated hack comedian you turdsloth!!!! I can’t wait. Thanks Chris.
(In case you’re wondering, yes, Kluwe did admit that he is Loate. No mystery there.)