This news has just come across the wire: The Super Bowl is today. Sometime this afternoon, amid a bunch of nonsense musical performances and other useless crap, the game will kick off. It will continue until one of the two participating teams wins. That team will receive a trophy in honor of their victory.
I do not know which team will win the game. I do know it won’t be the Vikings. Because once again, the Vikings are not in the Super Bowl.
This will come as no news to followers of the team. The Vikings usually are not in the Super Bowl. Even when they’re expected to be in the Super Bowl, they somehow manage to not be in the Super Bowl.
They’ve come close twice in recent years. After 1998, they almost made it. Then again after 2009, they almost made it. Both times they lost by a field goal in overtime. In a domed stadium. Both times, they were led by a quarterback with a single-digit number.
This year they didn’t get that close. They got booted in the first round of the playoffs by the Green Bay Packers. Breaking news update: The Packers aren’t in the Super Bowl either. A lot of people expected the Packers to be in the Super Bowl, but they didn’t make it, because they couldn’t tackle Colin Kaepernick. Couldn’t even get close to tackling Colin Kaepernick.
Unlike the Packers, no one expected the Vikings to be in the Super Bowl this year. No one even expected them to make the playoffs. Maybe one person expected them to win more than five or six games. They far exceeded every reasonable hope by winning 10 games and squeaking into the postseason.
So it was a good year for the Vikings even though they’re not in the Super Bowl. We’re not as disappointed this year as we were after 2009 and 1998. Those final losses sucked. This year’s final loss was no fun but what the heck? Even making it into the playoffs was gravy.
We’re not bitter like Packer fans. Those people are bitter. They feel entitled to annual Super Bowl glory. They really are terrible people. Today they will be watching the team that gouged them, the 49ers, play the Baltimore Ravens. Viking fans will be watching too. Lots of fans will be watching. And lots of people who aren’t fans.
A word of advice for non-football-fans watching this game: Please don’t annoy me with dumb questions about the rules. That gets on my nerves.
Now pass the beer and pizza. I’m ready for some food. And then a snooze. And then a couple minutes of watching crappy pre-game coverage. And then another long snooze. And then some football. And some dumb commercials. And maybe another snooze while Beyonce is pretending to sing. And then some more football.
My prediction? Baltimore will win. Ray Lewis will give a tearful post-game speech featuring much offering of glory to Jesus (whether Jesus wants the glory or not). Joe Flacco will be crowned MVP, becoming the first soulless robot to win the award. Somewhere, a Packer fan will bay at the moon like a sad, lonely, miserable dog.
There will be many people skipping work tomorrow on account of hangovers. Because America.