Minnesota Vikings Week 5 Hurt Feelings Rankings

Mike Zimmer said he’s going to “hurt some feelings” after Thursday night’s gashing in Green Bay.

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I have a list here of ten people Zimmer needs to talk to and if feelings get hurt that’s just part of the deal.

10.Norv Turner

“Say Norv, you know there’s this guy named Cordarrelle Patterson out there. Number 84? See him? Big kid with the long kind of crazy hair? Keeps it all wrapped up in a kind of hair wrap thing, I don’t know what the [bleep] you call it? Oh you see him do you? Great. Now do you think you could call a play for him? WOULD THAT BE ASKING TOO [BLEEP] MUCH???”

9. Xavier Rhodes

“Did a good job tonight kid. If I only had one little criticism, and I’m saying this only because I love you and I want you to get better. You know I love you right? I wouldn’t say this unless I really loved you. Don’t get too hurt but, when you’ve just played good defense on a man, don’t stand over him for a second like you’re Deion Sanders. Cause, don’t take this the wrong way X, BUT YOU AIN’T NO [BLEEP] DEION SANDERS. Sorry I raised my voice, you know how Zim gets when he’s fired up.”

8. Marcus Sherels

“Hey Marcus, good job out there, thanks for filling in on kicks when Cordarrelle had to sit down. One little thing we gotta work on, I’m sure Priefer will talk to you about this later as well, is LET THE [BLEEP] BALL GO IF IT’S HEADED INTO THE END ZONE. You know you get the ball at the twenty automatically if it goes into the end zone. Nod your had if you’re aware of that rule.”

7. Matt Asiata

“[Bleep] Almighty you are one slow [bleep]. How the hell are you even in the NFL, son?”

6. Brian Robison

“Hey Rob, you need a day off to rest or something? Feeling a little stiff in the hips? What is it, arthritis maybe? You think you might be coming down with a little osteoporosis? I’m just trying to understand why you can’t move around out there worth a damn. I know it can’t be slow reactions or just being a dumb [bleep] who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.”

5. Vlad Ducasse

“I know we put you in a tough spot out there kid. Nothing we can do about it, nothing you can do about it. I know, he holds onto the ball too long. What you gonna do? Backup quarterback. Backup right guard. At least we’ll be rid of one of you next week. Damn, I miss Fusco. Nothing personal.”

4. Robert Blanton

[Glares menacingly, saying nothing]

3. Captain Munnerlyn

“Holy [bleep] on a stick what the [bleep] are you doing out there I thought you were a damn slot corner you couldn’t cover my one-legged grandma out there you stupid [bleep] you are the most worthless piece of [bleep] I ever laid my two eyes on WHY THE HELL DO THEY CALL YOU THE CAPTAIN FROM NOW ON I’M CHANGING YOUR NAME TO GOPHER YEAH YOU JUST GOT BUSTED DOWN FROM CAPTAIN TO GOPHER YOU MOUTH-BREATHING [BLEEP] Aw shoot I probably shouldn’t do Love Boat jokes around here should I?”

2. Everson Griffen

“How does it work Everson? Do you remember what we talked about? You don’t go across until AFTER they snap the ball. You know the man is going to try to trick you with his voice, right? I got an idea how we can fix this Everson. WHY DON’T I POKE OUT YOUR [BLEEP] EARDRUMS, THEN YOU CAN’T HEAR HIM USE HIS MAGIC WORDS.”

1. Christian Ponder

“You know Christian when I was a kid my daddy told me a story. Once upon a time there was a fish, we’ll call him Christian, who lived his whole life in this nice quiet placid stream. Nothing around him but cool, calm water, other fish nibbling away at their food, life was nice and peaceful. And then one day by mistake this little fish swam into the wrong stream and got himself caught in the current. All of a sudden everything was racing and flying past. This little fish who was used to everything being peaceful all of a sudden was being carried away by the current. There wasn’t nothing this little fish could do except swim and swim, flapping his little fins as hard as he could, trying to fight against the water. But no matter how hard this little fish swam, he just couldn’t fight that current. That nasty current carried him farther and farther away from his peaceful stream and right over a waterfall. That poor little fish, he got battered and beaten. All tired and ragged he washed up on the rocks. All he could do was lay there trying to breathe. And then out of nowhere comes this hawk swooping down and picks up the little half-dead fish and carries him away. The [bleep] end. See what I’m trying to tell you kid? Getting the picture? Okay. You have yourself a nice day now, Christian. You just have yourself a fine and beautiful day.”

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