PITS – The Dark Knight Edition: Joker vs. Favre
By Dan Zinski
Kornholer: Welcome to PITS boys and girls. I’m Tony Kornholer and this is my flunky Mike Wilbunk. On today’s episode, Mike and I will look into the Brett Favre affair. Ooh, Brett Favre is having an affair. Is he going out with your girl Eva Longoria?
Wilbunk: I’m throwing him out of the hot-tub so me and Eva can have some alone time. By the way, thanks for showing up today. How’s that chair after Re Batard spent three weeks sweating in it?
Kornholer: I don’t want to talk about that. I’m too big for that. We gotta talk about Brett Favre going to the Vikings. I’d rather talk about the Yanks and Sox but we’re on a Vikings blog…
Wilbunk: I’d rather give the Yanks and Sox a beatdown.
Kornholer: You’re so tough.
Wilbunk: That’s cause I’m from the mean streets of Chicago.
Kornholer: You used to get your butt kicked a lot didn’t you? That’s what happens when you listen to Barbra Streisand records in the hood you pansy.
Wilbunk: At least I ain’t a hypochondriac with an ego the size of Dennis Green‘s ass.
Kornholer: Are we gonna talk about Brett Favre or what?
Wilbunk: I hate Brett Favre.
Kornholer: That’s cause you’re a Bears fan and he plays for the Packers. He’s a Hall of Famer and all you have is Rex Grossman. Your team hasn’t had a decent quarterback since the Eisenhower administration. You wish Brett Favre played for you.
Wilbunk: I’d take Brett Favre with one leg over any quarterback the Bears have had in the last twenty years. But he ain’t coming to the Bears.
Kornholer: He ain’t going to the Vikings either. Which makes me wonder why we’re talking about this.
Wilbunk: Cause hard news is boring. All anyone cares about is wild speculation.
Kornholer: Okay, so let’s wildly speculate. What would happen if Brett Favre went to the Vikings?
Wilbunk: They’d probably go 12-4. They’d definitely beat the Packers twice because the Packers would be so disheartened.
Kornholer: You’re wrong. The Vikings would go 16-0 with Brett Favre…
Wilbunk: That’s idiotic. Brett Favre ain’t that great.
Kornholer: I know, but I talked to John Madden last night and now I can’t stop kissing Brett’s butt. I want to fix Brett up with my daughter so she can have magnificent babies. Or maybe I’ll just keep him for myself.
Wilbunk: You are one sick puppy.
Kornholer: That’s because I’m huge and I don’t care anymore. And speaking of sick puppies – how do you like this segue Wilbunk? – the biggest movie in America this week is The Dark Knight starring Heath Ledger as the Joker. There hasn’t been anything this over-hyped since Brett Favre. Which brings up an interesting question (in a completely tortured and round-about way)…who would be better on the Vikings: Brett Favre or the Joker?
Wilbunk: I don’t know what kind of arm the Joker has.
Kornholer: He has a great arm. He’s also smooth with the ladies, not unlike me. Oh…Penguin Dance!
Wilbunk: Maybe you should go sit in the corner and let me handle this topic. First of all, it’s completely absurd. The Joker didn’t even play college ball. Does he even know anything about football?
Kornholer: He’s very smart. He’s a criminal mastermind not unlike Bill Belichick. He could probably learn the Vikings’ system in four seconds flat.
Wilbunk: He’s also completely insane which could be a drawback.
Kornholer: I don’t know. Herschel Walker has 19 personalities and he was a pretty good player. So being insane may not be such a big impediment to an NFL career.
Wilbunk: Ah, but Herschel Walker stunk when he was on the Vikings.
Kornholer: That was because he didn’t understand the system. Plus he couldn’t keep his shoes tied. The Joker is much smarter.
Wilbunk: I don’t know Tony. The Joker might have some raw skeelz, but Brett Favre is much more of a sure thing. He’s already won one Super Bowl. The Joker hasn’t even been to the Super Bowl.
Kornholer: That Super Bowl victory had nothing to do with Brett Favre. It was all Desmond Howard. If it hadn’t been for Desmond Howard the Patriots would’ve won by 50.
Wilbunk: That’s stupid.
Kornholer: Brett Favre is overrated.
Wilbunk: Wait a second. A minute ago you wanted him to impregnate your daughter.
Kornholer: I’m sorry, I forgot which side I was supposed to take. This segment is even phonier than when Sean Salisbury used to fight with John Clayton. Maybe we should run the video of the bear falling on the trampoline.
Wilbunk: You want the PETA people after us?
Kornholer: I don’t know. I’m so big, I don’t even know stuff anymore. Did I mention that the nation of Krgystan has offered to make me their emperor? I can’t go because you have to fly, plus they don’t have 600 thread-count sheets. They actually sleep on straw there.
Wilbunk: You are completely lost. We were trying to talk about Brett Favre joining the Vikings.
Kornholer: Hold on a second, I’ve got a phone call from Jesus…
Wilbunk: Where’s Re Batard? Get me Re Batard!
Re Batard: Did somebody call?
Wilbunk: Move that blithering idiot out of here so me and Re Batard can have a grown-up discussion…
Kornholer: Get your hands off me peasant…
Re Batard: All right he’s gone. Damn, how come it smells like ganja in here?
Wilbunk: Ricky Williams‘ head just fired up some hippie lettuce.
Re Batard: That is one crazy head. Okay Wilbunk…Brett Favre or The Joker. Which one would you rather have as your quarterback? By the way, can I get a towel?
Wilbunk: I’d rather have Favre. Obviously. Anyone who says different is an idiot.
Re Batard: Well I’m obviously an idiot because I’m taking the Joker. At halftime he could release gas into the other guy’s locker room and they’d all come out singing show tunes and trying to Bedazzle everything. You’d win every game.
Wilbunk: That sounds like a great idea. You know, I really dig you. I think I’m going gay myself.
Re Batard: What about Eva Longoria?
Wilbunk: Who cares about her? Let’s get out of here and have some dinner. What do you say?
Re Batard: As long as you’re buying.
Wilbunk: I stole Kornholer’s credit card.
Re Batard: Good one.
Kornholer: Hey, where’s everybody going? Where’s my credit card? Jesus wants me to play 18 at Pebble. Hey Stat Boy, what’d we get wrong today? Ah, what the hell do you know…you’d be sweeping floors if Max Kellerman hadn’t gone stupid and left for Fox…
Check out some more Dark Knight-related madness on Fan-Sided’s homepage courtesy of Adam Best. And look around the network for more Dark Knight posts all weekend.