If They'd Been Cheeseheads Instead…

Ever wonder how the lives of famous figures would’ve been different had they been Cheeseheads instead of, well, what they were?

Yeah, me either. The whole idea is actually completely silly. But what the heck…I got nothing better to do, so…

If They’d Been Cheeseheads Instead

If Julius Caesar had been a Cheesehead…

Conquering Gaul? Crossing the Rubicon? Becoming dictator of Rome? Are you kidding me? That stuff requires peeling your ass off the sofa for more than ten minutes.

If Napoleon had been a Cheesehead…

He and Josephine would’ve met at a bowling alley, worn matching Old Number 4 jerseys to their wedding, had their reception at Applebee’s and died of heart attacks within fifteen minutes of each other.

If Hemingway had been a Cheesehead…

He wouldn’t have needed guns to kill animals:

I’m not even going to talk about what he would’ve done with the deer after he hit them.

If Thomas Edison had been a Cheesehead…

Cheese light-bulbs. Cheese phonographs. Cheese X-Ray machines. The world’s first electric beer-bong…

If Hitler had been a Cheesehead…

He would’ve been an even bigger prick.

If JFK had been a Cheesehead…

The light reflecting off the giant hunk of foam cheese on his dome would have blinded Lee Harvey Oswald and prevented him from getting the shot off. The shadowy figure on the grassy knoll would’ve still plugged him though.

If Count Dracula had been a Cheesehead…

There would’ve been a lot of dead drunks lying around with little bite-marks in their necks. People with more blood than alcohol in their veins, however, would’ve been perfectly safe.

If George Washington had been a Cheesehead…

He would’ve tried using the power-sweep on the English. And we would all be flying the Union Jack right now while neglecting our dental health. But at least we’d have really awesome punk bands.

If Amelia Earhart had been a Cheesehead…

She’d have long since been found – passed out in the bathroom of a tavern while clutching a hunk of paper containing Mark Chmura’s phone number.

If Louis Armstrong had been a Cheesehead…

Every jazz tune would sound suspiciously like “The Beer Barrel Polka.”

If Cindy Crawford had been a Cheesehead…

Let’s just say her appeal would’ve been slightly less mainstream:

If Pope John Paul II had been a Cheesehead…

He’d have told Pollack jokes about himself. And no one would’ve laughed.

If Alexander Hamilton had been a Cheesehead…

He would have made beer and bratwurst the official currency of the United States. And today every corner of the nation would smell like a rancid fart.

If Abraham Lincoln had been a Cheesehead…

The Gettysburg Address would’ve begun, “Four score and seven Leinies ago, our fathers…excuse me I have to take a leak…”

If Columbus had been a Cheesehead…

He would’ve found out the hard way that you can’t cross the Atlantic in a pick-up laden with cases of beer and sporting ever-so-classy naked-girl-silhouette mudflaps.

If Noah had been a Cheesehead…

The lack of restrooms on The Ark would not have been a problem, provided there was a sink handy or perhaps a lightpost.

If the Virgin Mary had been a Cheesehead…

“Virgin” Mary? Yeah – like anyone would’ve believed that one.