Mel Kiper’s body has been taken over by Elvis Presley. Let’s run down the King’s very own 2008 mock draft.
|1. Miami Dolphins – DE Chris Long, Virgina
Everybody can’t help falling in love with Chris Long, the son of Howie Long. I’d make this kid a peanut butter and banana sandwich if I wasn’t stuck in Mel Kiper’s body right now. He’s gonna be a beast at the pro level. Hopefully he won’t end up like his father…starring in dumb fire-fighter movies and pretending to be amused by Terry Bradshaw.
|2. St. Louis Rams – DE Vernon Gholston, Ohio State
This guy’s stock is rising faster than Little Elvis the first time I saw Ann-Margret. A couple months ago I didn’t know who the heck this dude was and now I’ve got a man-crush on him. I may get him a gun like the one I got Nixon.
|3. Atlanta Falcons – OT Jake Long, Michigan
Holy cow…another guy named Long. That was my nickname in high school by the way…Elvis Long. I don’t think I need to explain why. Anyways, the Falcons need pretty much everything, so they could take just about anybody in this spot. Except me cause I’m dead and now living inside Mel Kiper (where it smells a little like old cheese).
|4. Oakland Raiders – RB Darren McFadden, Arkansas
Trying to predict what the Raiders are gonna do? That’s a little like predicting which mood Priscilla’s gonna be in from one second to the next. Girl has more personalities than Colonel Tom had Oriental glass dildos. They should take McFadden though, cause he’s fast. He has to be, to get away from all his baby mamas.
|5. Kansas City Chiefs – DT Glenn Dorsey, LSU
Okay, Glenn Dorsey went down and then he went back up again. The Chiefs should take this guy cause then they’ll have the greatest defensive line ever. Hopefully his knees won’t give out. Come to think of it, I’m kinda shaky on Dorsey. He makes me feel like Don Knotts on uppers.
|6. New York Jets – CB Leodis McKelvin, Troy State
Everybody in the AFC East needs to take defensive backs and then have four of them on Randy Moss at all times. Oh wait…then they just get ate up by that little Wes Welker dude. That’s what you call a Catch-22. Speaking of that, I was up for that part before Alan Arkin got it. Naw I’m just playin’…
|7. New England Patriots (From 49ers) – OT Ryan Clady, Boise State
Tom Brady got run over in the Super Bowl more times than a squirrel trying to escape me when I was driving one of my Cadillacs around Graceland higher than a satellite. They better draft a big old dopey lineman. By the way Tom…that girl of yours is fine from the neck down, but you might wanna consider a paper bag for that head. Mercy.
|8. Baltimore Ravens – QB Matt Ryan, Boston College
Oh man, Baltimore needs a quarterback again. I tell you some things never change. Like Jerry Lewis doing the telethon, and Phyllis Diller trading sex for food stamps.
|9. Cincinnati Bengals – DT Sedrick Ellis, USC
Hey man, what’s up with Cincinnati? Everybody on that team is a crybaby. ‘Specially that Chad Johnson. He better watch it, or I’ll use Mel Kiper’s body to unleash a karate beatdown on him. I was an 8th degree blackbelt in my old body. I gotta be at least a 4th degree in this beat up Cheeto-smelling mess of Kiper’s.
|10. New Orleans Saints – CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, TSU
He’s got a hyphen just like Ann-Margret. Did I tell you about the time I had sex with her underwater? We had to throw out that kiddie pool I’ll tell you.
|11. Buffalo Bills – CB Mike Jenkins, South Florida
I played in Buffalo once. Damn it was cold up there. I couldn’t even do my trademark sneer on account of my lips being froze. The Bills need any help they can get on defense. They got scored on more than Stevie Wonder playin’ goalie with a spork for a stick. I love Kentucky Fried Chicken. Thank you other Colonel.
|12. Denver Broncos – LB Keith Rivers, USC
Hey Broncos…when you plannin’ on gettin’ back to the playoffs again? Maybe when John Elway comes back in the body of Joe Lunardi bracketologist? What happens when Mel Kiper arm-wrestles Joe Lunardi? Nothin’ cause they’re both such pansies.
|13. Carolina Panthers – DE Derrick Harvey, Florida
Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete, and I love you so….
Hey man…what happened to my little yellow one? It’s five o’clock damn it!
|14. Chicago Bears – OT Chris Williams, Vanderbilt
Like I always say, everything in football starts up front. So you gotta have great linemen. The Bears should draft Chris Williams, offensive tackle out of Vanderbilt, because Vanderbilt is in Tennessee which is the same state Memphis is in, and Memphis was where I got my start with Sun Records. Hey, that makes sense to me, and that’s all that matters cousin.
|15. Detroit Lions – RB Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois
What does Matt Millen have to do to get fired? Molest a donkey on national TV?
Hey man, next time I wanna come back to earth in the body of Jon Kitna. And then I wanna jump off a cliff and see if God brings me back.
|16. Arizona Cardinals – RB Jonathan Stewart, Oregon
That Matt Leinart kid is my kinda dude. I want to party with him. I hope Mel Kiper’s body can keep up with us. Arizona better take a running back cause Edgerrin James has about as much left as I did when I sat down on that toilet the last time.
|17. Minnesota Vikings – OT Jeff Otah, Pittsburgh
Mel Kiper’s brain is trying to take back his body. He’s making me say stuff like, “Jeff Otah has great size, with a large frame and long arms. His size and quickness would provide the Vikings a huge up-grade at right tackle over Ryan Cook who could then move to center to take over for Matt Birk after the season.” What the hell does that mean?
|18. Houston Texans – CB Aqib Talib, Kansas
Hey man…what are the Houston Texans? I thought they were the Houston Oilers. By the way, what ever happened to Jerry Glanville? That guy used to think he was me. Now he’s selling snowblowers someplace. Elvis don’t sell snowblowers!
|19. Philadelphia Eagles – WR Devin Thomas, Michigan State
I think I got a little W.C. Fields in me. “I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” The heck with Philadelphia…I’d rather be on a pink shag carpet in Vegas with a bottle of downers and a hooker named Pearline.
|20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – WR Limas Sweed, Texas
Jon Gruden looks like that little doll-guy from the movies. You know who I mean. Tom Cruise. He’s just a tiny little feller.
|21. Washington Redskins – DE Philip Merling, Clemson
Mel Kiper wants me to let everyone know that he’s okay. He’s living in Elvis’s pancreas right now. He was living in Elvis’s liver but the government removed him on account of all the toxicity. Elvis’s liver has been declared a federal disaster area. Mercy.
|22. Dallas Cowboys (From Browns) – WR James Hardy, Indiana
Hey Jerry Jones…pick a face and run with it dude. You’ve had more plastic surgery than Priscilla.
|23. Pittsburgh Steelers – G Brandon Albert, Virginia
People often ask me, “King, how could you stand idly by and let Lisa Marie marry that freak-job Michael Jackson?” Believe me, I tried doing something about it. I called on all the forces of heaven and earth at my disposal to do a 154th degree blackbelt astral karate job on that monkey-loving nutbag, but the dang spirits wouldn’t go near him. He scares the bejeebers out of them.
|24. Tennessee Titans – WR Early Doucet, LSU
Early Doucet? What the hell kind of name is that? Does that mean he gets up every morning at six? Elvis used to just be going to bed at six.
|25. Seattle Seahawks – OT Carl Nicks, Nebraska
I don’t know who the hell any of these guys are man. Mel Kiper’s yelling at me from my pancreas but I ain’t listening to him. I’m sick of that guy.
|26. Jacksonville Jaguars – DT Kentwan Balmer, North Carolina
Hey Mel Kiper…you think you could get your buddy Chris Berman to hook me up with some of them Canadian codeine-aspirins? I gotta feed my goldfish.
Seriously man…codeine-aspirin? You ESPN guys are lame as crap man. Those Deux-Deux-Deuxs woulda been like Smarties to Elvis. I would’ve given them out to kids on Halloween.
|27. San Diego Chargers – FS Kenny Phillips, Miami
Hey man, what’s up with LaDanian Thomlinson? “I got a boo-boo and can’t play.” Suck it up! Crap man, half the time I didn’t even know what town I was in, but did that stop me from getting on-stage? Hell no. I had lonely 45-year-old women to entertain. Now all they have is Neil Diamond, the Jewish me.
|28. Dallas Cowboys – CB Antoine Cason, Arizona
Hey Jerry Jones…oh wait, I already did that one.Hey man, I thought Dallas was getting Pacman Jones. What the hell kind of name is Pacman Jones anyway? I guess Q-Bert Jones was taken.
|29. San Francisco 49ers (From Colts) – DE Quentin Groves, Auburn
I left my heart in San Francisco.That ain’t all Tony Bennett left in San Francisco, let me tell you. There’s a hooker somewhere with one of his testicles in a jar of pickle juice, and if you pay her five bucks she’ll let you hold it.
|30. Green Bay Packers – CB Tracy Porter, Indiana
Brett Favre retired. That was a sad day for everyone man. Even all the cool people up in heaven stopped and took notice of that. Then we went back to having sex with each other. Heaven is a trip man.
|31. New York Giants – LB Dan Connor, Penn State
Well boys, that about wraps it up for Big E. I gotta give Mel Kiper back his body so he can return to the Batcave and work out his 2014 big board. It was fun hanging out on earth again, even if I had to be inside a stinky body like Mel’s. Damn man. I gotta have Marilyn give me a sponge bath when I get back.
They don’t call it heaven for nothin’, cuz.