Everything Power Rankings, August 19
By Dan Zinski
In praise of the sexy girls who make crappy horror movies palatable. Also…Michael Phelps fatigue. Tom Brady’s poor little tootsie…
| 1 | Phelps Fatigue | I’m pretty sure there are other events in the Olympics besides swimming. How about some sailing coverage? Equestrian? Foosball? Freestyle pole dancing? | |
| 2 | Netflix Issues | I had to wait five extra days to get the top movie in my queue. It got so bad, I even contemplated – gulp – going to the video store. | |
| 3 | T-Jack’s Knee | A sprained MCL suffered while trying to run for extra yards. You have to love T-Jack’s tenacity but…it’s a preseason game dude. I don’t mean to call the young man’s intelligence into question, however… | |
| 4 | Biden for Veep | People dislike Biden because he tends toward loquaciousness. The public won’t have to listen to him if he becomes VP, but think about all those poor foreign dignitaries who’ll have to sit through dinner with him. | |
| 5 | Planters Mixed Nuts | I like the almonds best, the pecans second, the brazil nuts third. They always give you too many peanuts. | |
| 6 | Madonna at 50 | Madonna has turned 50. She hasn’t been hot for about 25 years. Now she looks like Iggy Pop went crazy and got breast implants. | |
| 7 | Brady’s Bad Foot | Tom Brady’s foot is hurt, but he says it’s a different injury than the one that bothered him in the Super Bowl. What has he been doing this off-season? Trying out new kinky, dangerous positions with Gisele? | |
| 8 | Hot Women in Bad Horror Movies | Rachael Taylor in Shutter got me to thinking about all the bad horror movies that have been made easier to digest thanks to the presence of one or more attractive women. Eye-candy trumps gore every time. | |
| 9 | Maddux Traded to Dodgers | The Padres have shipped Greg Maddux to the Dodgers. It was sad watching Mad-Dog flounder with such a bad team. Hopefully he’ll get one last post-season hurrah. And if the Dodgers face the Cubs, I hope the Cubbies pound his head in. Sorry Greg. | |
| 10 | Dark Knight #2 | The Dark Knight is now #2 in all-time box-office behind only Titanic. This is crap of course because tickets now cost $10+ some places. George Lucas will now probably find some reason to re-release Star Wars so it can nudge back into #2. The Special, Special Edition where neither Greedo nor Han shoot first. Who the hell shoots first then? |