Nobody wants the Vikings to have a good quarterback. They know we’re just a competent signal-caller away from being a Super Bowl team and they’d rather have us suffer with Tarvaris Jackson than smoke all their asses and claim the Lombardi Trophy. In fact, there appears to be a flat-out league-wide conspiracy to keep the Vikes from getting their hands on a decent QB. We all know the Packers were dead-set against letting Brett Favre come here – hence the trade to the Jets, and the proviso that New York would have to give up 200 draft picks if Favre were then dealt to Minnesota. And now there’s a new culprit in this game of Viking offensive suppression, and his name is Jon Gruden. According to PFT’s Mike Florio, Gruden has offered disgruntled QB Jeff Garcia to a couple of teams in a trade, but not the Vikings – presumably because, if Garcia got on the Vikings, he would instantaneously pick up Brad Childress‘s intricate and ingenious offense and lead us on a 14-game winning streak and thence onto glory. And that would make Gruden look bad especially if his anointed QB Brian Griese played like Brian Griese. Is this devious or what?
Frankly, I think there needs to be an investigation. Columbo needs to be brought in or maybe Kojak or Kolchak the Night Stalker. Or maybe O.J. – he’s good at looking for the real perpetrators of things. Oh, that’s right – O.J.’s kind of busy right now. Well, one of those other guys then. They need to start turning over rocks and tapping phones and hiring whoever Bill Belichick uses to spy on other teams, so the truth of this conspiracy can be exposed. So far, we know Mike McCarthy and Ted Thompson are in on it, and Jon Gruden as well. What we don’t know is how deep this really goes. If there might be other measures being taken against us. Do we know the full story on how Bernard Berrian‘s toe got messed up? Are we sure Visanthe Shiancoe isn’t being slipped some kind of drug that’s causing him to lose strength in his hands at critical moments in games? And what about Tarvaris Jackson himself? Is some kind of chicanery to blame for his utter ineptitude? Is the playbook he’s studying actually the Vikings playbook or a different one someone swapped in for it without him noticing? Someone may have snuck into his bedroom at night, tiptoed around his stuffed animals and snatched the real playbook from under his Jonas Brothers pillow. This would explain a lot of mysterious stuff: Like why T-Jack is handing off to Chester Taylor on 3rd and 5. It was actually supposed to be a 10-yard out to Bobby Wade. You know, a play that had a chance of netting the 5 yards necessary to get a 1st down.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that the Vikings are victims of a massive plot. Until we uncover the truth of this scheme, and rid the league of those responsible, the Vikings will never have a fair shot at putting the Kick-Ass in the Kick-Ass Offense.
Tags: Bell Belichick Bernard Berrian Bobby Wade Brad Childress Brett Favre Brian Griese Chester Taylor Jeff Garcia Jon Gruden Mike Florio Mike Mccarthy Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl Tarvaris Jackson Ted Thompson Visanthe Shiancoe