Bears 41, Colts 21
Woah the Bears have an actual professional offense with real receivers and everything and Matt Forte is a total stud. Jay Cutler, still a jag. Mike Tice is a GENIUS. Anyone looking for extra Super Bowl tickets by the way?
Still sucks to be the Colts. Andrew Luck welcome to big-boy football. At least he has Reggie Wayne. Running game? Get back to me on that. Jim Irsay reax: “Once upon a time you dressed so fine threw the bums a dime in your prime. Abby’s hat pick, guess the color of my underwear.”
Brian Urlacher, best wheelchair football player ever.
Lions 27, Rams 23
Hey Matt Stafford try throwing it to YOUR team. Detroit Lions thug of the week: Titus Young for headbutting Janoris Jenkins. Hey Titus, stop trying to injure Janoris, he has babies to support. Lots and lots of babies.
So close Rams. Work on that two minute defense? Eh, who cares, you’re the Rams.
49ers 30, Packers 22
Packers worked really hard on their tackling, I can tell by the way they didn’t tackle. Hey somebody forgot to tell the replacement refs NEVER THROW A FLAG ON THE PACKERS. Jermichael Finley, you do know you’re supposed to CATCH the ball. “Hey coach it’s Aaron, can’t make practice today, got a commercial to shoot then I’m gonna hang with my homies Boyz II Men. Don’t worry I’m the greatest quarterback ever, I don’t need practice. You didn’t make Favre practice!!!!”
Jim Harbaugh, master of the diss handshake. You’re dead to him. Everyone is dead to him.
Randy Moss, son.
Vikings 26, Jaguars 23
Chris Cook covers wide receivers like someone just slapped him in the ear. SHORTS. My plan to create a robot Percy Harvin has been scrapped because I WILL NEVER IMPROVE ON THE REAL THING. Hey Adrian Peterson is back. Neat.
So they have a team in Jacksonville still? And it’s coached by Mike Mularkey? Interesting.
YEAH VIKINGS 1-0 UNSTOPPABLE JUGGERNAUT CHRISTIAN PONDER MVP WOOOOO.
Work on that defense though.