Mock drafts seem to be all the rage right now. At the rate we’re going I fully expect them to start looking ahead 10 years or more, to guess which grade schoolers will have a huge impact down the road. “Little Timmy could be a beast at defensive end if he improves his footwork. He has a tendency to poop his pants in the third quarter which could put some teams off.”
Sort of an odd preface to my own 2008 mock draft, isn’t it? It’s almost as if I’m not taking the whole thing seriously…
2008 Mock Draft Presented By The Viking Age
(disclaimer – not being a huge college football wonk, I have no idea if most of these players are any good. I’m basically trusting in the hard work others have done. mostly this guy. draft order is based on my preliminary predictions for the 2007 season, taking into account trades that have already been made.)
1. Green Bay Packers. A dismal season, including a catastrophic penis injury to Brett Favre in the first preseason game, lands the Pack in the number one slot. Seeing as how that clone of Favre (that plays every position and kills Sylar) is not yet ready, they are forced to draft RB Darren McFadden out of Arkansas, the guy everyone keeps saying is going to be taken first.
2. Dallas Cowboys (via Cleveland Browns). The Cowboys got this pick in a trade with the Browns. Too bad cause the Browns could really use it. The Cowboys take DE Calais Campbell out of Miami, then try to convince him to change his name to Deke or Bubba – cause, you know, Calais sounds kind of, um…well, you know.
3. Houston Texans. The Texans wish Reggie Bush were available so they could pass on him again. The league informs them that they’re not allowed to draft an entire new team, so they take OT Jake Long out of Michigan, who I can safely state is a beast (I know because I actually pay some attention to the Big Ten).
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Bucs could really use a quarterback, but the talents of WR DeSean Jackson (Cal) are too staggering for them to pass up.
5. Oakland Raiders. The Raiders decide to get DeMarcus Russell a blocker, so that he won’t spend another season running and hiding in Al Davis’s box. They take OT Jared Gaither from Maryland.
6. Detroit Lions. Yes, Matt Millen is still the GM. No, the Lions will not take yet another wide receiver. This time it’s a QB – Brian Brohm from Louisville.
7. Buffalo Bills. Somehow, J.P. Losman fails to take the Bills to the Super Bowl. They wind up drafting in the top ten again, and select CB Justin King of Penn State, who some say could be the next Deion Sanders (Jesus will also give him permission not to pay for car repairs).
8. Atlanta Falcons. They might be tempted to take a QB and tell Ron Mexico to go play with his dogs, but sadly the Vick debacle will have to chug along for one more year. They take OT Barry Richardson from Clemson, because you can never have enough big guys who block.
9. Arizona Cardinals. That break-through season everyone keeps expecting from the Cardinals still hasn’t materialized. They decide to work on their defense a little (cause it helps to have one), and draft LB James Laurinaitis out of Ohio State (and hire Brent Musberger to be their announcer, just cause he has so much fun saying “James Laurinaitis”).
10. Miami Dolphins. Ricky Williams is off smoking blunts someplace. A season of Daunte Culpepper dropping the ball from his little-girl hands leads to another high draft pick. The Dolphins take RB over QB, selecting Steve Slaton out of West Virginia.
11. Washington Redskins. Joe Gibbs has cobwebs on him from just standing there doing nothing. Whoever’s actually running the team decides they could probably use a QB at some point, and drafts Chad Henne out of Michigan.
12. Minnesota Vikings. Your Vikings manage to climb out of the top ten behind Tarvaris Jackson and new superstar Adrian Peterson. It’s a step in the right direction. Another nice step is taken when they draft WR Mario Manningham out of Michigan (but only after checking four times to make sure his right eye is as good as his left).
13. Cincinnati Bengals. They were the darlings of the NFL a couple years ago, but now they’re more felonious than Lindsay Lohan with a car full of coke. They draft DT Glenn Dorsey out of LSU and hope to heck he just stays home at night.
14. Jacksonville Jaguars. Gosh, Jack Del Rio looks so handsome in his suit, doesn’t he? He’s dreamy. Oh, the Jags take OG Michael Oher from Mississippi.
15. New England Patriots (via 49ers). Yeah, the Patriots are loaded, and because of shrewd trading they get a top-15 pick. Belichick, when will you stop making us think you’re God? They take Derrick Harvey, DE-Florida, because apparently he’s a good 3-4 guy.
16. St. Louis Rams. The Rams continue their trend of being good enough to almost not suck. They take LB Ray Mauluga out of USC.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers. Former Vikings defensive coordinator Mike Tomlin fails to get the Steelers to the Super Bowl in his first season. Of course he drafts defense, CB Antoine Cason of Arizona.
18. Kansas City Chiefs. Yes they’re playing to win the game Herm. Maybe they’ll get some help from LB Dan Connor of Penn State. By the way, will Roseanne, Darlene and Becky get their own suite at the stadium?
19. Carolina Panthers. Some yahoo will pick them to win the Super Bowl again. They won’t. They will draft RB Felix Jones from Arkansas, because the Panthers like them some running backs.
20. Denver Broncos. Mike Shanahan is still not a genius, and Jay Cutler is still not John Elway. This time they take defense, S Kenny Phillips of Miami.
21. New York Jets. Mangini continues looking like little Belichick – you know, Belichick without the rings. He drafts WR Limas Sweed from Texas, who in spite of his name is not a shady lawyer in a Faulkner novel.
22. Seattle Seahawks. A bit of a bounce-back year for Seattle, with Hasselbeck and Alexander healthy, and Jerramy Stevens dropping balls (and getting kneed in the groin) for another team. They help their defense by drafting DE Tyson Jackson of LSU.
23. Baltimore Ravens. I wanted to pick them lower cause I think McNair is done, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. There being no really attractive QB prospects, the Ravens help their line instead by taking C Adam Spieker of Missouri.
24. Philadelphia Eagles. Should they pick another QB just to piss Donovan McNabb off? Nah, they’ll take OT Sam Baker of USC. And Donovan will just have to find some other thing to be pissed about.
25. N.Y. Giants. Could this be the year Eli Manning puts it together and gets the Giants close to the promised land? Maybe. At any rate their offensive line always seems to stink, so they draft G Will Arnold from LSU.
26. Chicago Bears. Oh Bears – when will you learn that Rex Grossman stinks worse than Mike Ditka’s pits? Take a QB, like Andre Woodson of Kentucky. You’ll thank me later.
27. Tennessee Titans. They’re back on the map thanks to Vince Young. They need receivers though – how about Early Doucet of LSU (yes, another LSU guy – apparently they all get drafted in the first round)?
28. New England Patriots. No, Randy Moss will not bring the Patriots back to the Super Bowl. In fact, he won’t even get them to the AFC title game. He’ll be lucky if he’s still on the team come week 5, in my opinion. Anyway, the spoiled Pats use their second pick of the first round to take Gosder Cherilus, OT from Boston College.
29. New Orleans Saints. The Saints are good enough for runner-up again. They take TE Fred Davis of USC, cause you can never have enough guys who catch the ball.
30. San Diego Chargers. Marty’s gone, but the curse isn’t. Jasper Brinkley, LB-South Carolina would look nice next to Shawne “It’s A Light-Switch Thing, Not Me Injecting Myself Stupid” Merriman.
31. Dallas Cowboys. Yup, the Cowboys are back in the big game. Yeehaw! They need receivers to replace their old guys though, so they take Malcolm Kelly out of Oklahoma. Yeehaw!
32. San Francisco 49ers (via Indianapolis Colts). Okay, I’m a wimp taking the Colts to win the whole thing. But it was only for the draft anyway so whatever. The Niners take Jordan Grimes, OG from Purdue. The Colts put another trophy on the mantle.