Zygmunt calls his head coach Chilly into his office to discuss the team’s season so far…
Chilly: Hello Zygmunt.
Zygmunt: Hello Chilly. Take a seat there…
Chilly: Okay. (sits) Wow…are these real leather?
Zygmunt: Uh, yes Chilly, they are…
Chilly: These are real nice…
Zygmunt: I had them shipped in from Armenia or some place like that. I forget…
Chilly: Armenia. I went there on vacation once…
Zygmunt: Oh did you…
Chilly: Yeah. There were all sorts of cactuses and Indians weaving blankets…
Zygmunt: In Armenia…
Chilly: Yup. And there was this great big hole in the ground that we rode a donkey down into…
Zygmunt: Uh…I think that was Arizona Chilly.
Chilly: Oh? Arizona?
Zygmunt: Yes. You know, where the Cardinals play.
Chilly: Ha. Now you’re pulling my leg. Everyone knows the Cardinals are in Rome.
Zygmunt: Right. Well, I’m not here to argue with you Chilly…
Chilly: That’s good…
Zygmunt: No, I called you here to talk about the team…
Chilly: Okay.
Zygmunut: I want to talk about the fact that we’ve only won 2 games this year…
Chilly: Right…
Zygmunt: That’s 2 games out of 6 Chilly. Where I come from that’s not a very good ratio…
Chilly: Well, where I come from we don’t even have ratios…
Zygmunt: No? No ratios?
Chilly: No sir. Just record players.
Zygmunt: Uh-huh. Record players…
Chilly: Yup…
Zygmunt: Chilly.
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to change the subject?
Chilly: Am I trying to change the subject?
Zygmunt: Well, Chilly. You tell me? Do you want to talk about the team or not?
Chilly: Whose team? Our team?
Zygmunt: Yes Chilly. Our team…
Chilly: All right then. Let’s talk about our team.
Zygmunt: Fine Chilly. Now, first of all, I want to talk about our quarterback.
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt.
Zygmunt: Our quarterback T-Jack. The guy you drafted.
Chilly: Yes sir. Fine young man. Good essay in the huddle.
Zygmunt: Yes Chilly, I know all about the essay in the huddle…
Chilly: Strong right arm on the lad. Left one ain’t so bad either…
Zygmunt: I have no doubt he has a strong arm Chilly. But that’s not what I’m worried about.
Chilly: No?
Zygmunt: No. Right now I’m worried about his accuracy.
Chilly: Oh, that.
Zygmunt: Yes, that…
Chilly: We’ll get that straightened out Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: Oh you will…
Chilly: Absolutely. We’ll have that kid throwing them through hoops before you know it.
Zygmunt: We will.
Chilly: Yes sir. He’ll be knocking teacups off the heads of fleas by the time we’re done with him…
Zygmunt: Teacups off the heads of fleas…
Chilly: Yes sir.
Zygmunt: And when is this miracle going to take place Chilly?
Chilly: Oh, I don’t know. When’s a good time for you?
Zygmunt: How about now?
Chilly: Now?
Zygmunt: Now would be good.
Chilly: Jeez Zygmunt, I don’t know. Now’s a bit soon. I was hoping I’d at least have till later.
Zygmunt: Later eh? How much later Chilly?
Chilly: Oh, I don’t know. A bit later?
Zygmunt: A bit later. (pause) Chilly…
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt.
Zygmunt: Do you like being the coach of my football team?
Chilly: Oh I like it great.
Zygmunt: Oh you do…
Chilly: Yes sir. It’s a fine way to make a living.
Zygmunt: It is. Well, what do you like best about it?
Chilly: Oh, I don’t know. A lot of things.
Zygmunt: Like what for instance?
Chilly: Oh, like for instance, the nice clean towels in the locker room.
Zygmunt: You like the towels eh?
Chilly: They’re always really fluffy and soft.
Zygmunt: Uh-huh. And that’s the main thing for you…
Chilly: Yes, I’d say so. Oh, and I’ve got a really nice paperweight in my office.
Zygmunt: Oh you do.
Chilly: Uh-huh. It’s shaped just like a dog turd.
Zygmunt: A dog turd.
Chilly: Yup. They told me Mike Tice left it here when he got fired, and they asked me if I wanted them to throw it away, and I said “No sir, leave that fine turd-shaped paperweight right there where it is. I’m gonna get some paper right now and put that paperweight on top of it. And if a wind blows through here it ain’t gonna move a single sheet of that paper…”
Zygmunt: Um, Chilly…
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt?
Zygmunt: There’s something else I’d like to talk to you about.
Chilly: Yes?
Zygmunt: Yeah. This kid Peterson…
Chilly: Oh, fine young man.
Zygmunt: Oh yes I know. He’s a top-notch young fellow for sure…
Chilly: Terrific wheels on him.
Zygmunt: Absolutely.
Chilly: We’re bringing him along nice and slow though.
Zygmunt: Yes I noticed that…
Chilly: You can’t be too careful with these young guys…
Zygmunt: No I agree with you…
Chilly: Don’t want to put them out there when they’re not ready…
Zygmunt: I couldn’t agree with you more Chilly. Except, um, Chilly?
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt?
Zygmunt: Well, it just seems a bit odd to me…
Chilly: Yes?
Zygmunt: You talk about not putting a young guy like Peterson in there when he’s not ready…
Chilly: Yes?
Zygmunt: And then you turn around and put the Jackson kid in the game even though he obviously doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.
Chilly: Well, Zygmunt, I don’t know if that’s fair…
Zygmunt: You don’t think it’s fair.
Chilly: No sir.
Zygmunt: But you do admit that you left yourself in a pickle by not getting a veteran guy in the off-season…
Chilly: Well, Zygmunt, it’s like this…
Zygmunt: Yes Chilly…
Chilly: Sometimes you just gotta go to war with what you have.
Zygmunt: Uh-huh…
Chilly: I mean we’d all love to have Sonny Jurgensen out there…
Zygmunt: Oh sure…
Chilly: But I’m afraid they ain’t making too many Sonny Jurgensens…
Zygmunt: No…
Chilly: And they ain’t making too many Bobby Laynes either…
Zygmunt: Indeed…
Chilly: And the last I looked there was only one Y.A. Tittle…
Zygmunt: Quite right…
Chilly: So I don’t know what to say Zygmunt. Except…you wouldn’t happen to have a clone of Y.A. Tittle hidden around here someplace?
Zygmunt: Um, no Chilly…
Chilly: Cause if you did…gosh, that would be great…
Zygmunt: Sorry Chilly. I don’t…
Chilly: Well, do you at least have one of Archie Manning?
Zygmunt: Um, no Chilly. I’m sorry. I don’t have any clones.
Chilly: No?
Zygmunt: No. Not even Jim Plunkett. Not even Steve Bartkowski.
Chilly: Dang. I could use one of those…
Zygmunt: Yes you could Chilly…
Chilly: I’d even settle for Steve DeBerg…
Zygmunt: We all would Chilly. But Steve DeBerg is older than dirt.
Chilly: Last I saw him he was still looking pretty spry…
Zygmunt: Well spry won’t cut it Chilly. I need somebody young and dynamic who can run this offense…
Chilly: I see Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: Someone who can hit a simple slant and who doesn’t leap gayly in the air for no reason whatsoever.
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: Someone who has a chance of amassing a quarterback rating higher than his shoe-size…
Chilly: I read you Zygmunt. Loud-and-clear…
Zygmunt: Well I’m glad. Cause I’d hate like hell to have to fire you Chilly…
Chilly: Well, Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: I mean it Chilly. I like you. I like you a lot. Not as much as I like pistachio pudding, but a lot…
Chilly: Gee, that’s great to hear Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: Here’s the only problem Chilly. Even though I like pistachio pudding, if it started giving me indigestion, I would have to stop eating pistachio pudding. Do you know what I mean?
Chilly: Yes sir…
Zygmunt: Do you understand exactly where I’m coming from?
Chilly: I do Zygmunt. 100%.
Zygmunt: Good. Now then…
Chilly: Um, but Zygmunt.
Zygmunt: What Chilly?
Chilly: I was just thinking. If the pistachio pudding’s giving you stomach troubles, you might consider some bicarbonate of soda. That fixes me right up…
Zygmunt: Chilly.
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt?
Zygmunt: Get the hell out of my office.
Chilly: Yes Zygmunt. Goodbye Zygmunt…
Zygmunt: Goodbye Chilly…
(exit Chilly)
Zygmunt: My Lord in heaven what have I done? (picks up phone) Get Marty Schottenheimer on the line. Now!