Year-End Awards
By Dan Zinski
It’s time now to hand out The Viking Age‘s year-end awards for excellence and not-excellence in professional football. Winners will receive a tiny gold statue of Ragnar and a certificate suitable for framing or making a paper airplane out of.
Achievement in Making Falcons Fans Forget About Michael Vick and Not in a Good Way
Bobby “The Weasel” Petrino
Worst Imitation of a Playoff Team
Minnesota Vikings
Biggest Richard
Terrell Owens
Biggest Boner
Joe Gibbs calling two straight time-outs while attempting to ice Buffalo’s kicker, hence incurring a 15-yard penalty, hence giving the Bills a shorter game-winning field goal
Biggest Boner of the Other Kind
The one Tony Romo had for Jessica Simpson that caused all the blood to leave his brain, making him play like crap during Dallas’s loss to Philly
Most Sickening Story
Michael Vick
Happiest Story
Kevin Everett being able to walk again
Saddest Story
Sean Taylor
Best Player No One Talks About
Brandon Marshall
Worst Player Everyone Talks About
Ricky Williams
Coolest Team
Cleveland Browns
Biggest On-Going Load of Crap
The notion that the Arizona Cardinals are about to bust out and become big-time NFC contenders
Worst Prediction
Jon Kitna saying the Lions would win 10 games
Worst Claim of Divine Intervention
Jon Kitna saying the Lord cured him of a concussion
Lamest Player
Eli Manning (runner-up: Jon Kitna)
Lamest Team
Kansas City Chiefs (runner-up: Denver Broncos)
Weakest Reason for a Huge Celebration
The Dolphins finally winning a game
Team I Couldn’t Think of an Award for So I Gave Them This
Jacksonville Jaguars
Most Sickeningly Overplayed Story
Will the Patriots go 16-0?
Worst Fans
Ticket-scalping Giants fans
Story Most Likely to Make People Nostalgic for their College Fraternity Days
Jets’ Gate D Scandal
Worst Public Relations Move
The Vikings fining Troy Williamson for loving his grandma (rescinding it didn’t help)
Smartest Personnel Move
Goodbye Charlie Frye, hello Derek Anderson
Biggest Dope
Mark Schlereth
Second-Biggest Dope
Bryant Gumbel
Good Citizenship Award
Randy Moss
Silliest, Most Contrived Feud
T.O. v. Keyshawn
Special Citation for Lifetime Achievement in Slurping
The entire sports media for their endless licking of Brett Favre
Greatest Disappearing Act
The Bears defense
Most Interesting Revelation
The Colts really don’t seem to need Marvin Harrison at all
Most Tiresome Individual
Chad Johnson (runners-up: All Cowboys fans)
NFL MVP
Tom Brady
NFL LVP
Entire Dolphins team
NFL MAP (Most Awesome Player)
Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus