Everything Power Rankings, August 27
By Dan Zinski
Politics. The New Purple People Eaters. The joys of certain Serbian tennis stars…
1. Barack Obama
I saw him on ESPN playing one-on-one with Stuart Scott. I kept hoping Scott would foul him hard and the Secret Service would come running out and pound him with nightsticks. What America needs now is a skinny, jug-eared President who likes the White Sox. It would improve our standing in the world plus White Sox fans might finally get over their self-pity.
2. John McCain
I heard somewhere that he was in a prison camp in Vietnam for 5 1/2 years. Just a rumor…
3. Vikings Defensive Line
I’ve always loved great D-line play more than any other facet of football. And the Vikings have such a great tradition with the Purple People Eaters (who were before my time) and Millard and Doleman and Randle and Thomas (who were always some of my favorite players). The new D-Line has a chance to add to that tradition. The havoc they wreaked against Pittsburgh was just a preview of what I expect to be an outrageously fun season.
4. The Redeem Team
Worst team nickname ever?
5. Bad Lettuce
You know what’s annoying? Getting all jacked for a great salad with mozzarella cheese and Russian dressing and slicing open your lettuce and finding it’s rotten inside. I hate that.
6. Joe Biden
I like him. I think he makes a great speech. I think he has a chance to say something horribly inappropriate at any given moment, which adds a dash of suspense to things. The hair needs work though.
7. Hillary Clinton
She needs to slap a leash on Bill and drag his bitter ass back to Arkansas. These people have been in our lives altogether too long. It’s time to give someone else a turn to annoy us.
8. Ana Ivanovic
Why do I feel the sudden urge to be spanked with a tennis racket?
9. Carlos Zambrano
What’s wrong with him lately? Is he worrying too much about his hitting? Has he been hitting the mouse too hard again? Not eating enough bananas?
10. John Mayer
I never need to hear his live version of “Free Fallin'” again. I’m also tired of seeing his mug every time I go to TMZ or D-Listed. He’s giving Kanye West a run for his money as Douchebag of the Century. Vladimir Putin and Andy Dick are in the running too. Oh, and Jon Kitna of course.