Advice On Surviving the Viking Apocalypse, From a Viking Fan
By Dan Zinski
Dec 30, 2012; Minneapolis, MN, USA; Recording artist Nicholas David blows a horn as part of a pre-game ceremony prior to the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings game at the Metrodome. The Vikings win 37-34. Mandatory Credit: Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports
So you’ve just woken up to the news that the world is set to end today, as predicted by the ancient Norse calendar. Like a lot of people you’re probably thinking, “What the hell. There’s a Norse calendar? And today is the final day of that calendar, the day when the gods do epic battle in the sky, destroying the entire earth?”
Snuck up on you a little, didn’t it? Might have gotten a tad complacent after all those other apocalypse scares that came to nothing.
Oh, you threw out all your Mayan apocalypse survival stuff after it turned out your crazy relative was wrong? That was short sighted. Never fear, I’m here to help you cope.
As someone who’s lived through many a Viking apocalypse already, I can tell you, it’s not as bad as it sounds. You can and will get through it.
The earth won’t be there once it’s over, but let’s not dwell on that. Surviving the Viking apocalypse can actually be a lot of fun if you follow these ten pieces of advice.
1. Drink. Heavily. It’s basically impossible to survive a Viking apocalypse without large quantities of alcohol.
2. Remember, your lucky jersey can’t protect you from disaster. There is no magic charm or talisman that can ward off the Viking apocalypse. If those gods want to fight, they’re going to fight. So dress in normal grown-up clothes. Go to Valhalla with a little dignity.
3. Use social media to vent your fears/frustrations. No one wants to be alone during a Viking apocalypse. There are lots of other people out there who feel the same way you do. Remember, dong pics are for creepy old men. No dong pics.
4. Yell loudly. The gods can’t hear you – and even if they could, they’re too busy being gods to give much of a crap what you think – but yelling feels soooo good.
5. Don’t take it out on the dog. Or the cat. Or your significant other. Or anything else living. If you need to punch/kick/bite something, use a pillow. Or break some furniture. It’s stupid but it’s better than assault/animal abuse.
6. Focus on your enemies. Point out their faults. Remind everyone around you, loudly, exactly why your enemies are inferior. Make fun of their clothing, or their faces, or their personal failings. Raise questions about their character based on things that may or may not have even happened. Nothing feels better than building yourself up by tearing others down.
7. Give in to nostalgia. Think about the glories of the past. Can’t think of any true glories? Take minor glories and blow them out of proportion.
8. You should be very drunk by now. It’s a good time to eat nachos. Mmm, nachos.
9. Have a good cry. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. We all need to cry sometimes. Even gods sometimes shed a tear.
10. Have faith. Nothing is eternal…well, except the void our entire universe is about to plunge into. Refer back to item #1. And remember, there’s always the draft.
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