Minnesota Vikings Suck Rankings, Week 2


The suck rankings are up. Read them and weep.

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As if you weren’t already weeping enough.

10.Kyle Rudolph

Don’t make me call you the Jerome Simpson of tight ends. Just don’t make me do it, Kyle.

9. Jarius Wright

What exactly is his purpose? Remind me again because I forgot.

8. Matt Kalil

What’s the difference between Matt Kalil and Bryant McKinnie? At least Bryant McKinnie used to show up some of the time.

7. Matt Asiata

I would worry about this guy being our running back but I’m pretty sure Jerick McKinnon will be coming along any time now.

Soon, Jerick. Really.

6. Xavier Rhodes

“Listen Xavier…no, shush honey it’s okay…I’m not yelling, see? I’m using my soft voice. Xavier Xavier, listen…you gotta stop grabbing on to the receiver. We talked about that, remember? It’s against the rules. I KNOW you want to stop him from catching the ball. Okay okay, I’m sorry I raised my voice. Go outside and play, we’ll talk about this later.”

5. Chris Kluwe

See our special teams yesterday?

You’re allowed to have 11 men on the punt team, last time I looked.

Good job blocking Chandler Jones on this field goal.

Kluwe, thanks for getting Mike Priefer suspended.

I guess you got your revenge, eh?

4. Defensive line

Remember when our D-line was going to eat up that cobbled-together Patriots’ O-line and tear Tom Brady’s limbs off and make him eat them while his supermodel wife looked on in mute horror?

Remember that?

3. Norv Turner

Scripts a great first drive that makes the offense look unstoppable. Spends the rest of the game calling predictable running plays while mixing in the occasional feeble deep pass and completely forgetting to use his best weapon.

Norv Turner going for first prize in the Bill Musgrave impersonator contest. Not funny Norv.

Give the ball to Patterson next week, okay homes?

2. Matt Cassel

1. Adrian Peterson

photo credit: KHOW